Fragment of the book “Adverbs of Love” :
“When days go by looking all the same, one can’t stop but wonder if all this time is worth it. Probably it’s not. Most of the people wouldn’t need decades of repetitive actions on this planet, and also they wouldn’t need to make it to work every morning if there wasn’t for financial obligations that they have to take care of. And Christine was hating the thought of being one of them. One of the crowd. A very uniform, irrelevant but representative, crowd. One that no one chooses to be part of but some do choose to not be part of. One that is formed of human robots, doing the same things over and over again, with the hope that one day, their life will make sense at least to them if not to someone else. Maybe one day they will make a difference, their shadow left on Earth will count. Maybe. Maybe not. However, it seemed to be worth the try. Or the waste of time and energy spent every day with no special purpose. And after all, she was nothing more than one of the crowd and she had to admit it as much as she was fighting the obvious.
She used to think that being a waitress wasn’t such a dull job, and having no friends beside Ann, considering the coordinates of friendship in nowadays societies, wasn’t such a hard loneliness to deal with. Not having a man wasn’t too dramatic either, since she never needed one but from time to time she wanted one. It seems to be fun and convenient having one of those around the house, to say the least. All these aspects of her life were aspects she could deal with, almost every day, except the rainy ones. Rain was always making her cry like a reaction to the drops falling from the sky. Whenever the clouds were announcing a new rain coming around, she would feel abused and fragile. Abused by her own life, so common on the outside but so different from others on the inside. So, yes…rain was not working in her favor.
One rainy day, as every other day, caught her at the coffee shop, taking care of her regular customers and welcoming the new ones, a lot more than in any other sunny days, since rain tends to make people hide in comfortable, cozy places like the bar she was working at.
Her favorite couple stepped in and picked the same table they would always reserve one day before they were planning to come by. This young couple was filling her of joy and hope every time she would see them enjoying their coffee and conversations. He was a nice man, however looking like sort of a nerd, with big black glasses and short black hair and always wearing jeans and a shirt tucked well inside them. She was probably a student still, with long natural blonde hair, tied most of the time in a nice pony tail, revealing her beautiful face with no makeup whatsoever. She didn’t need it anyway since she was a very pretty young lady, always wearing outfits that matched. That day she was wearing a nice dark blue dress, covering her knees and a pair of black shoes with moderate heels. He ordered like always for both of them, two cups of hot white chocolate. Very few people bothered to try the white chocolate nowadays, which made Christine like them even more. They didn’t seem to care for anyone else but themselves and as average as they were looking together, she knew there has to be something special going on between them. Something that the crowd, wouldn’t be able to see or understand.
“I think the ring you wear today fits perfectly the color of your blue eyes, look at the diamond! It looks like it was made especially for you” said the man as Christine was just bringing them the cups of chocolate. She glanced politely at the girl’s ring and noticed it was just a metal band, made of no gold or silver or anything like that, with a blue rock, also with no financial value. She smiled and left to wipe the tables around them, somehow hoping she would catch some more of their conversation, which happened.
“I feel you are with me every time I look at it” said the girl smiling back at him, enjoying every essence of his presence like they were alone in the place and everything around them was just background.
“Must be peaceful”, thought Christine as she was putting clean ashtrays on the tables around them.
“You know, love, I think we need a new place to stay at. I am so bored of that little apartment and no matter how we move the furniture it stays the same. That building is boring all together, actually!” said the girl playing with his hands on the table, looking all of a sudden unsatisfied.
“It is our house, Lora. We just moved in last year and we can’t change houses every year. First because we don’t afford it and second because it is just a house, it looks the same yes, but it is our house. I am sure painting the walls might do it. I would change that yellow color as well, it starts to become an anxiety source for both of us from what I see” As she was listening to him, her eyes went down, starting to contemplate her shiny shoes and ignoring his hand that only a few seconds ago was so cherished.
Christine couldn’t hear nothing else as she had to take care of other customers, not so interesting and admired but still customers that needed their drinks served. Before she knew it, time flew and when she glanced again at their table she saw the check left on it with a small tip on top and no sign of them. Disappointed, she went to pick up the check, thinking how peacefully their life probably was if their only problem was a boring house. Or was it more? She might never know. Keeping track of a customer’s life is a gambling game. She never knew if they will ever be back or if her assumptions were right. But she was happy to have a living example of love, materialized in a normal, cute and happy couple. After all it could be done. Later that day, the same man who was inspiring her in matters of love, came in the coffee shop, alone, with no natural blond girl holding his hand. He ordered Jack and Coke and kept that going until the third round, when Christine decided it is time to step in and say something about whatever occurred earlier that day. After all, what would his girlfriend say if he would go home so intoxicated at such a late hour? And she was determined not to let their story come to an end because of Jack and Coke.
“Hello, can I bring you the check? It’s getting late…”
“Oh, hi! No but you can bring me another drink if you are so nice” said the man with a forced smile on his face. It was the saddest smile Christine had seen in a while so before she followed the order, she sat down and looked at him like she was trying to investigate his state of mind and feelings.
“She left me!” said the man as he was holding a ring in his hand, the same ring Lara was wearing earlier that day.
“We got home and she continued to complain about the apartment, the furniture, the curtains, for hours and hours until she finally admitted it: it was not the apartment, it was me! She was bored of me. Of being with me.”
“But you were so much in love, I can tell. I have been bringing you your hot chocolate for months now. I never saw such a happy couple coming in here and trust me, they are plenty stopping by. We make good coffee, too” said Christine trying to cheer him up even if she knew that might be a hard mission to complete.
“She left me because I was loving her so much…I am Kevin, by the way, sorry to not have introduced myself earlier. My manners seem to be gone as well”
“Nice to meet you, Kevin, I am Christine and don’t worry, Christine doesn’t care about manners too much. No woman leaves a man because too much love, that I am telling you.”
“Yes, they do. Mine did. Love is boring, I guess. Women like drama and if no one else creates it around them, they make one up. They start digging deep into their souls and come up with the most complicated, developed sort of drama that would beat even a Hollywood movie. I am sorry, I shouldn’t generalize. But that I noticed” His eyes were getting watery and Christine could see pain transforming into tears right in front of her. This man was breaking down and she left because she was bored. Because he didn’t play her like other men would do, keeping things interesting. He didn’t lie to her, he didn’t let her guess his feelings and he didn’t cheat on her. He did it all right and it ended with several glasses of Jack and Coke.
“I never thought of love as being boring” said Christine like she was talking to herself, somehow feeling guilty for not assuming the real reason of all this. It didn’t even cross her mind that a man who is so caring, loving and attentive, might be left alone especially because all these qualities.
“Kevin, never change!” was all Christine could say and as she was planning to leave the whole situation with that short verdict, Kevin looked at her and asked, more whispering than talking:
“I lived through her, Christine… it is so hard to live through someone and then have no one to live through. Maybe that is not what love does, maybe I did it all wrong…it’s not her. It’s me!” with these words, Kevin took his glasses off and remained silent, watching them like he just discovered them on his face and didn’t understand the purpose they had or why were they there.
He was lost. For him, loving her was not just a feeling. Was a lifestyle. A goal in life. He canceled his dreams, he canceled himself, for her. Christine started thinking of all the clichés about who gives more and who takes more in a relationship, about the balance and the compromises that seemed to be necessary for a “happily ever after” kind of ending. About the split dreams and the shared ones. But none of them fit this case scenario. Was it giving away himself, the way to love? Was that the ultimate way of this divine feeling or was just a terrible mistake that a weak man did? Maybe what seemed to be a sublime, unconditional love, was actually not love at all. That was when Christine realized, that he had nothing before Lara and he has nothing now, after she is gone. He was empty and filled himself with her power, he filled his emptiness with his love for her. A love he projected in a woman that managed, maybe without her will, to give meaning to his life. She was his life saver in a deep, dark ocean, and he grabbed her and put his life in her hands. As soon as she realized that, she left. Too much dependency. Too much responsibility. Too much commitment on his part. But not too much love.
“Kevin, we don’t find ourselves in those we love. We love them after we love ourselves first. After we know who we are and why are we here. You didn’t love her too much. You just didn’t love her. You thought by making yourself dependent on her you were also in love but attachment, or at least this kind of attachment, is not love. Kevin took his eyes off his glasses and listened to Christine like he was trying to understand every word she says. All he was hearing were new things he never considered before and never acknowledged them.
“You must build the relationship with yourself more than any other relationship. When you will be full inside, when your heart will beat because of love, not the love for a woman but the love we all have to build and maintain inside us, then you will have what to share with others, including with your significant other. Because love is not to be given away like that, it has to be shared. And you can’t share what you don’t have, can you?”
He couldn’t respond to that more than with a whispered “Thank you”. Christine took his hands and gently took his ring out of them, as he was staring at it trying to accept the mistake was over with. It was not her. It was him.
Get the whole book at: http://www.amazon.com/Irina-Maria-Tracy/e/B00SJQ019C/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1424169397&sr=1-1