Living And Writing

Domestic violence: are men really to blame?

violenceSociety teaches us that is never ok to get physical and psychologists give poor hope to men who suffer from the syndrome of violence, especially if it is exercised on their significant other. However, while this is the general understanding on the matter, there are a lot of particular ones that could put the whole domestic violence subject in a new light. This is not an article that supports or even justifies domestic violence or men who try to use their force in order to control their women. But there are certain factors that can explain why these sad episodes happen and why people move past them together, against all odds. Of course there are men who are pathological violent, but we will leave those in the hands of doctors.

Usually, when a man hits a woman the reaction is judgmental toward the executioner with no eyes turned toward the victim but a considerable amount of mercy. Commonly, men who are violent are considered not to be civilized human beings, they lack manners, respect and many other “must have” values for a 3rd millennium gentleman (gentle + man…get it?). But, because we don’t live in a fairy tale world and we are only humans, all of us regardless to our gender, things like domestic violence happens. What are the reasons behind it and when is it ok to want to work on it instead of closing the door?

Get to know the consequences of your actions

First, it is really important to take responsibility for our own mistakes. Domestic violence doesn’t start by sitting on the sofa watching a movie and enjoying some popcorn. It usually starts when someone plants a seed for it. Arguments, for instance, have a big chance to become a complete war between two people, case in which domestic violence is just a matter of minutes, even seconds. Sometimes it takes as much as an insult, a rude remark or a bad placed frown to generate the atomic bomb in our man. Of course at the beginning of any relationship we are still learning what is good and what is bad when it comes to our partner. But when we are done walking on broken glass, we should get a grip of what creates a positive outcome and what creates a negative one. If you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again but expect a different outcome (Einstein calls that madness) why expect him to change his ways? If you know insulting your man, or talking down on him, or simply not being able to shut your mouth when it is clearly shown that the conversation is not leading to some sort of miraculous compromise that will make you plant roses on the grave of anger, and your man is slowly but sure losing control over his actions and hits the wall behind you, then you do have a significant role in the matter. Yes, he should show more self-control in situations that require the most but, it takes two to tango. Therefore, if you know, due to your common history as a couple, that your action will most likely wake up the demon in your man, better be wiser and avoid it instead of provoke it. You expect your man to control himself, right? Why not starting by doing the same thing?

Sometimes, life kicks in

If apparently nothing of what you said made your spouse turn into a violent being, try to show the empathy that you expect from them and look with an objective eye in their daily life to find the root of the problem. Are they over stressed at work and then when they come home they find even more stress instead of some peace of mind? Try to consider their needs as well as you expect them to consider yours. Many men are becoming irritable and perhaps violent around the household without being a personal reaction to their spouses. They might be working on fixing the closet and get surprisingly mad at a tool that is not working the way they want it to. They can then throw the tool away, or hit a wall, or kick the door, all out of frustration and temporary anger. If on top of all that the woman comes in yelling an accusing question like “What kind of reaction is that?!” that might generate a personal violence that was not part of the whole “fixing the closet” plan. We all have bad days, frustrating moments and daily failures and when everything builds up we can react like this: irrational and brutal. All your man needs in those moments is support and encouragement not another kick in the head, if you know what I mean. And if you are not equipped to provide that for him, then leaving him alone works just fine as well.

Men defend themselves too

When the woman hits first. Now, this is a completely new scenario we have to consider. There are women who decide to end an argument or a situation they can’t control with a slap in the face, and most often it is not their own face. Part of those women count on the fact that their man has enough education to not hit them back, but another part of them just decide to take the risk because in the end, all that will matter is that they hit them back. No one wonders who actually started the drama scene. Well, we should wonder though. It is wrong for us to hit them first as it is for them to hit back, however, logically speaking, there is an instinctual defending behavior that entitles them to that response, even if not one we can find in any gentleman’s manners code.

Therefore, my dear ladies, let’s be all more profound than society actually wants us to be. Of course it is genuine wrong for violence of any kind to take place, especially when we talk about a relationship that is supposed to be based on love, right? But this can be avoided more than it can be treated and always there are two to blame. Ultimately, there are very few women who get hit when they are being calm, have a civilized language and respect their partner.

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