All these consequences of hate, whether you are the one who feels or expresses it or the one who is targeted by it, depend on the level of love we have for the other person involved in the situation. When a stranger tells you how much they hate you, it shouldn’t mean much because you didn’t invest any love in them anyway. When a friend, however, says the same, it can break your heart. You will relive in your head your good times and wonder what part of your history led to such harsh feelings. But when your husband tells you that he hates you…that can kill you. Not literally, but it can kill you emotionally on such a powerful level that it might take you a while to process it and then to find a way to mend if there is any.
He said it during a fight
Most likely, he did. In love and war, everything is allowed, and a fight is close enough to a war. Everyone involved says and tries all they can think of to win it. Should they? Of course not, but that is how a fight becomes a fight from being a simple disagreement. And on that note, unimaginable words can come out, like “I hate you!” and when that barrier is broken, the hell breaks loose and it seems for the moment that nothing else matters but the echo of those words in your head and all around you, in the air. Did he mean it? If he constantly tells you how much he loves you, if things were perfectly fine before that argument, most likely he used his lowest low to hurt you and he doesn’t really mean it, just like you say a lot of things that you don’t mean in the heat of the moment. If you can’t remember the last time he said he loved you then…you might consider that there is something in those words more than a voice of anger and frustration. But in both cases, hearing these words feels as close to death as it can get when they come from someone who you profoundly love and is supposed to love you back. It hurts even more when you do all you can, daily, to make them happy. When you don’t try to change them or judge them when you overload your plate with things that need to be done in order to keep both of you comfortable, loved and taken care of. And it really hurts when there was no reason for him to say such things, other than hurt you and he did it…so, well-played boy! But now what? He said all those things, you probably reciprocated or not, it doesn’t matter anyway because the only possible reaction you can have to that is shock or an equal answer. And most likely if you said “I hate you too”, you just said it to make the hurt even…I am sorry to disappoint you but that is so obvious that it will not have the same effect on him as his words had on you. Who said it first, hurt the most.
This might take a while…at least a few days, and it depends tremendously on his behavior. Good guys, who don’t mean to hurt you to death, will come to you as soon as possible after they calmed down, and assure you how sorry they are and how much they actually love you and how that was a terrible thing to say. But not all guys are good guys, and those who are not might prolong the agony just because they have the power to do so. They know how affected you are, they might even see or hear you cry the next day about it. They are well aware of the effects of their words. But still, you could use a little more suffering before they come to you…that is also in your power to decide though. But as much as you will allow yourself to “wallow” in the “I hate you” limbo, you will inevitably start to blame yourself and think of all the things you did to make him hate you if he really does. Which will make you feel even worse, but still, you will do that in your desperate try to find an explanation. And you will cry, and probably swear out loud when you are alone so that you can get some of that negative energy that he placed between you two, out of your chest. Ultimately, when you consumed your resources, your emotions will develop a certain level of bipolarity. You will go from waiting for him to apologize to waiting for him to tell you it’s over, or probably not say anything for an entire week. And you will get mentally and emotionally ready for all those scenarios and consume even more energy and over think things a lot more than he does, probably. The wallowing process has to come to an end and some apologies need to be expressed. Preferably by him, since without the “I hate you” part we would just have a simple, random fight in our hands and not a hell that went out of control. Who took the fight there, has to take it back to normal parameters. And, unless it was you who said the H word, that is not your job. As a matter of fact, you can express your apologies for other things that you did but not before he takes the hell back and degrades the fight to normal levels, at which you two can talk about casual things that bothered each other and change those things. This is different than hate, this is life. People like, prefer and aspire to different things and that might bother at times the other person involved and, for that unintended harm, we can and should apologize. But saying “I hate you” because of such small events, even if unpleasant, it is not unintended harm, on the contrary.
Some hours, maybe a day or two had passed since the argument. If he comes to you, realizing how much he hurt you and fixing the situation, you’ve got a true man in your hands, who loves you, cherishes you and lost his grip which, most likely, after all he saw you suffer, it will not happen again anytime soon. We all lose our grip, temper gets the best of us and cruel words are said. But that is a good man who doesn’t stay in his negative human side and comes to mend the hurt he placed on you. Now, if he just ignores you…waiting for you to come and apologize for, I don’t know…random mistakes like not putting the dishes away or not liking a certain thing as much as he does, then, you might want to reconsider his values and feelings and even his kindness level. Not saying that you shouldn’t take responsibility for the things you do that bother your spouse, no…but, in order to get to the level of “I am sorry for not listening to you” or “I am sorry for not washing the dishes”, he needs to take the “I hate you” out of the equation and then the attention can be on the smaller things. By all means, if he does fix his “I hate you” evilness, you should consider what you did and apologize for it but not before that level is reached. And if he doesn’t care about mending the wounds he, consciously placed in your soul, girl, you don’t need that kind of man in your life! You just don’t need him!